In any communication between two people, each one evaluates, accepts, rejects, classifies or assimilates what the other is saying. We all have a tendency to hear what pleases us, or what we think the other will say, preoccupied as we are by our own response — we often don’t really listen. One of the pleasures of conversation is to talk about oneself, each believing that the other is fascinated by the tale. We need a public. But there are times when a friend has a problem, and rather than listen and then respond with a “me too, I had the same problem” and go on to a recitation, it is more useful to really try to help. How to be really helpful takes the following steps into account. First, you should encourage the friend to state the problem with no interruptions, but possibly with head noddings, uh-huhs, “I see,” or “I understand.” Second, you ask questions to clarify your understanding, such as “what do you mean by this,” “tell me more about…,” “what do you make of it,” “why do you think it happened,” “what part might you have played in it,” “have you thought of a solution.” Perhaps your friend has already tried to resolve the problem; if so, with what results? Third, ask how the problem has affected others in your friend’s family or workplace, what some of the reactions have been. Fourth, if something your friend has said makes no sense or was repeated several times or seems out of context, trust yourself and ask for a clarification. Also pay attention to changes of affect — some troubling things are said with no emotion, while other, seemingly more mundane things, elicit a lot of feeling. Fifth, generally one can wonder what has precipitated the problem, what makes it endure, does anyone benefit by this problem continuing ,what does your friend need now, could do more of, less of, stop or start. Are there obstacles to resolving it — are there resources available one can tap into? Sometimes all that is needed is to talk and have someone listen with interest and compassion. There is the old stereotype that women listen and empathize, but men don’t listen and give solutions. One technique that may help someone who is struggling to understand what went wrong in a relationship is role playing. Have your friend be the person who is perceived as the problem and you play your friend, then have a dialogue between you two each in your reversed role. Often some clarification on attitudes can result from this interaction, helping to understand motives and hidden agendas. Some of the issues that all helping people face are their own prejudices and preconceived ideas. Being nonjudgmental while listening is difficult. You are there to resolve, not to criticize, punish or control. Getting in touch with your own prejudices, your own preferred way of doing things, your impatience with the lack of understanding with what may seem obvious to you, your disapproval of some dysfunctional behavior exhibited by your friend, all come into play unconsciously unless you make the effort of uncovering what motivates you and controls your behavior. A good strategy is reiterating what the friend said to be sure you understand exactly what was meant. But first and foremost, you need to just be there for your friend, compassionate and available.