By Dr. Ink
SDUN Columnist

There is no need for MapQuest or sexy-talking GPS systems when setting out for the alluring happy-hour bargains at U-31 Cocktail Lounge. The name itself tells you where to go: U-31 = University Avenue and 31st Street. Getting home might be a whole different matter if the drink specials render you slurring the directions to Yellow Cab.

The double-storefront establishment draws patrons of every stripe, from the newly legal to senior pool sharks to fans of comedy, reggae and electro beats. When a friend and I visited on Tuesday comedy night, we plowed through Skyy Vodka and Tanqueray Gin for $3 each until Skyler Stone from Comedy Central in Los Angeles took to the performance stage. We could’ve encroached on just about anything for that price – beer, wine and other jet fuels. At that point, every booth and hightop in the house became filled. The cultural diversity of North Park was in full flower.

Weekday happy hours normally run from 5 to 8:30 p.m., although it’s cut short to 7:30 p.m. on Tuesdays when professional comedic acts begin. It’s also the only day of the week when the food isn’t deeply discounted. We ate anyhow, chewing away on Baja-style, white fish tacos ($1.50 on Wednesdays), teeny Buffalo wings, about a dozen per order, plus a stacking of loosely breaded zucchini spears ($3 for each item on Fridays). On Mondays you can score a Philly cheese steak and fries for only $5; and on Thursdays it’s two-for-one half-pound burgers.

If you’re the type who doesn’t cut loose until fulfilling a workweek, the drink and food deals on weekends equate to a well-deserved massage. Dr. Ink had to practically examine both ears when told of the “call-your-own” drinks for $3 apiece available from noon to 6 p.m. on Saturdays. Dang, the special includes premium liquors! Visions of chucking Saturday chores for Grey Goose martinis immediately set in. And if I were a churchgoer, I’d skip that too in lieu of $2 domestic draft beers and $5 barbecue ribs with fries, offered in the same time slot on Sundays.

Free pool on new billiard tables is also offered during weekend happy hours, with talk of extending it through the week. But Dr. Ink can’t keep the cue ball on the felt when slurping gin martinis, as I explained to a wild-eyed man in his 70s when he invited me to join him in a game. In his kindled babbling, he admitted to “feeling a rush” whenever he plays.

“I’m very much the wrong partner for you,” I replied while sliding two olives into my mouth from a plastic sword.

Our bartender, who everyone calls “Stover,” was swift and accommodating, carrying the spacious bar solo as cocktail waitresses tended to customers blanketing the joint’s large, rather sterile floor plan.

A few splashes of color reside in sporadic wall art and from the bar’s back wall, illuminated in fiery orange. Though when the crowd is light, U-31 can feel like a big,empty box. Yet as parades of North Parkers filter in for DJ Wednesdays, electro Fridays, Sunday reggae or live bands on Mondays, for instance, the atmosphere tilts toward a neighborhood nightclub, sans the pretentious prices and velvet ropes reserved for uppity downtowners. Here, nobody cares if you’re a serf or an aristocrat.

RATINGS:

Drinks: 4
You can wet your whistle with almost anything, from draft and bottled beers (domestic and premium) to generic and top-shelf liquors tendered in full pours. Just don’t come knocking for boutique wines. The vino selection is merely obligatory.

Food: 4
It’s non-gourmet, but satisfying, fresh and decently portioned. Everything we sampled escaped the copious levels of salt and grease found in other bar food.

Value: 4
Hurray! The drink and food prices indeed reflect our distressed economy; $3 for beer, wine and well cocktails on weekdays; $2 drafts on Sundays; and in what is the sweetest bargain we’ve seen in months, only $3 for “you-call-it” drinks on Saturdays, which include premium liquors. Food discounts on various days of the week include $1.50 fish or chicken tacos, $3 for a dozen Buffalo wings, $5 for ribs and fries and $3 half-pound burgers.

Service: 4
Our bartender moved rapidly, concocting and serving our drinks in less than five minutes from the moment we planted our butts at the bar.

Duration: 5
Seven days a week, and all afternoon on weekends is admirably humane.

Note about the ratings: Each category is based on 1-5 glasses, with 5 being best. Drinks and food are rated as to quantity and quality, while duration is based on the number of days and hours Happy Hour is offered. Value and service are self-explanatory.

Want to make me happy? E-mail Dr. Ink about your favorite Happy Hour and I’ll drop by with my stethoscope: [email protected].