This is for all my readers who live with bullies. Not the kind in the schoolyard who beat up on littler kids, but the one who sleeps in your bed and sits at your breakfast table and takes you to the movies. In other words, I’m talking about loved ones. Not the stereotype of the hulking man with beer belly, swear words and a quick hand, but the gentle doctor, the charming lawyer, the suave CEO. One thinks of bullies as mostly male, but women can also hit, scream and use abusive language to control their families. So, too, can parents with children and adult children with aging parents. It can be “Don’t get daddy angry,” as well as “Don’t upset mother.” I have seen it too often and heard about it too frequently to dismiss the phenomenon of the seemingly decent person who turns into a bully in the privacy of the home. This kind of bully doesn’t hit, but the emotional abuse is just as damaging because it is so relentless and insidious. Often the victim is not even aware of being emotionally harassed. The target is told that she’s incompetent or that he did this stupid thing again, that what he says is ridiculous or all her attempts to please, to placate, to endear herself to the angry and critical tormenter fail dismally. People in this situation feel there is something wrong inside themselves; they must be inept and deficient in some way, or why would someone who loves them always diminish them and make them feel irrelevant? The bully must know something they don’t, and so they flail about unhappily. They become depressed, have headaches, backaches, or stomach problems and see no way out. When the victim finally has had enough and tells the person not to yell, not to scream at the children, the intimidator shouts even more, reducing the victim to tears or a knotted stomach. Everyone tiptoes around the oppressor, whispering and trying to avoid attracting attention and the pain that comes with it. If victims threaten to leave, the bully becomes contrite, promising not to get angry or out of control, and victims believe and stay, only to face abuse again a few days, weeks, or months later. The cycle repeats itself endlessly, making the object of the abuse feel crazy. Often friends don’t know — that sweet man, an abuser, an emotional batterer? But the bully’s underlings at work often do know about the hot temper and either quit or also endure psychosomatic symptoms from coping with this irrational behavior. The unpredictability of moods reinforces the fear of never knowing what to expect. What to do? It is not easy, especially for someone not used to defending oneself, but, at some point, you have to fight against being demeaned, diminished, made to feel stupid or being bullied in any way. No one can live healthily without respect. The next time you are shouted at, calmly say, “I will not be yelled at. When you talk to me decently, I will listen,” and leave the room. The next time you are bullied, say, “I don’t need to hear this,” and leave the room. The next time you are irrationally criticized, say, “That’s your opinion. I don’t agree with you and don’t wish to continue arguing about it,” and leave the room. Finally, you may wish to threaten ending the relationship unless your loved one agrees to see a health professional to help manage the anger. All this is not foolproof. It may work, and I have seen success, but it can also backfire, creating more anger and even bodily harm or an eventual split. No one needs to subject oneself to abuse — not from a spouse, parents, children, boss or anyone else. It is emotionally draining and leads to the depletion of self-esteem, as well as mental and physical health. There is little incentive for the bully to change the manipulative behaviors if it works — so the strategy is to not succumb to it, but to resist it. The victim has to change before the abuser can. It is only when the bullies have no willing victim that they have a reason to control mean outbursts and behaviors. — Natasha Josefowitz taught the first course in the U.S. on women in management and is the author of 19 books. She lives at White Sands La Jolla.