I’m just a girl who can’t say no, goes the song. In the case of the musical, her problem was saying no to men. Yet the problem is much more pervasive than just romantic relationships. I do it, all my friends do it, everyone I know does it. We all say, “yes,” “OK,” “I’ll do it,” when we don’t want to. It can be a favor for a friend, additional work for an employer, a helping hand to a co-worker, an errand for a relative, a committee we don’t want to sit on, a fundraiser we don’t want to attend. Why do we say yes when we really mean no? Do women do it more often than men? I believe they do. After I have said yes, agreed, committed myself, I often regret it. By then, it’s too late. If it is hard to say no, it is 10 times harder to say, “I’ve changed my mind.” So why do we do it? Often it does not seem such a burden at the time. Many of us underestimate the time it takes to fulfill the added responsibility or else the deadline is weeks or even months away. I frequently accept to write a lengthy article or to give a talk “due next year.” But then that inexorable date arrives and I’m frantically trying to fit it in with everything else I have to do. Another reason is that it feels better at the moment to say yes to someone than to say no. None of us likes to be rejecting, and this is perhaps where the gender difference comes in. Women generally are more attuned to the needs of others, more consciously dependent on relationships. Turning our back on a request feels like a rejection of the person, instead of just a denial of one request. It is not very different from the statement that women tend to personalize more than men. In other words, if a woman’s behavior is criticized, she feels like the criticism is an attack on her whole person, not just a reference to one of her actions. If refusing one favor is seen as akin to rejecting the person, it becomes understandable why women would have a harder time doing so. Another reason is that women either are genetically programmed to be more nurturing or have been brought up to be more giving. That being the case, it is not surprising that when asked to extend themselves, they tend to do it. We have been taught to think of others and thus are quick to respond when we hear a plea for help. There is also the issue of assertion. It often feels like being assertive in responding to one’s own needs instead of someone else’s is selfish. “I’m going to take care of myself first” smacks of the “me” generation. The voices disagree between my needs and wishes versus your needs and wishes. Of course, when it’s our children, their needs come first until adolescence — then it’s up for grabs as to who wants and gets the car or how much money they’re allowed to spend. Discipline and teaching values comes into play and the “why” of decision making becomes more complicated. We tend to say yes more often to people we like, to people in power, to people with whom we have a reciprocal relationship. We also tend to help out people we feel sorry for, those who can’t fend for themselves. The issue then is how real are our feelings of responsibility. Are we taking on too much — is it a burden that can be shared or are we not paying attention enough? Now, I am not saying we never should respond to others. I like that nurturing side of women. I like it in me. It becomes an issue and a burden, however, when it is not what we really want to do, when we pay too high a price for it. What is important here is to know whether there is enough available time and energy or whether there is not. (i>— Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D., is a columnist for La Jolla Village News, a sister publication of The Peninsula Beacon.