There is something reassuring about identifying and predicting the various stages of development, for instance, those in childhood (from birth to the teen years) or adulthood (the expected phases we go through from young adulthood to old age). Intimate relationships go through stages as do work groups. Identifying stages of development provide people with a yardstick for measuring themselves against a norm of what is expected. Those of us who took an introductory psychology class in college will remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. He made it into a pyramid and theorized that it was necessary for people to meet the needs at each level before moving up to address the next. We begin with physiological needs which include food, water, shelter, and sex. Safety needs including health, resources, financial security, and legal and civil protection. Social needs involve belonging, friendship, family, and intimacy. Esteem is comprised of respect by others, achievement, and confidence. Self-actualization incorporates creativity, problem-solving, and spontaneity. Many have developed their own of stages of development: Sigmund Freud, Piaget, Erik Erikson, Carl Jung, Daniel Levinson, and Calvin Colarusso, to name a few. About two-fifths of the way into any class I taught, there would always be some sort of new problem among my students whether, with my grading system, or the assignments, or class discussions, or whatever, something negative was expressed. It does not matter whether the course was a week, month or semester long. About two-fifths into the class, there was trouble, sometimes covert and occasionally an open rebellion.
Knowing the predictability of the phases of development eases their resolution because it is seen as normal and accepted as a phase to go through. It is interesting that this pattern is replicated in some form in many of the events we’ve endured. Take child development, we have a phase we call the “terrible twos.” After the calm of the latency period, we have the Sturm und Drang of adolescence. Even in our most intimate relationships there is a first phase called symbiosis, “we are so alike, we share so much,” there is mutual dependence. Then comes the phase of differentiation: we are really not that alike, we have our differences. There may be a power struggle for dominance: who makes the decisions? The third phase is integration, the couple re-connects, and a new “modus vivendi” settles in.
Groups go through similar stages of development; Tuckman called these forming, storming, norming, and performing. Forming: At first the members of a group have to identify the scope of their task and want to be accepted as good team members. The next phase is storming: people start voicing different opinions, there are attempts by some members to dominate, the leader is challenged, and disagreements must be resolved in order to get to the next phase. Norming: Here the participants tolerate differences and work towards the success of the task at hand. One of the problems in this phase is that the participants may so wish to avoid conflict that they get into what is known as groupthink, thus losing the opportunity of diversity. The final stage is performing where common goals are agreed upon, norms and roles are established, dissent is expected and allowed, and a high level of success is achieved. I took some common phrases to describe the steps that new persons entering an already established group need to go through. First, “learning the ropes,” they must observe the norms of the group and becoming familiar with them. Second, “paying your dues,” or the beginning of participation and risking voicing a divergent opinion, it is the “make it or break it” part of this phase. And finally, “passing muster,” which involves getting accepted as valued members of the group.
After my husband died, I interviewed 50 people who had recently lost a spouse. I have been able to identify some common themes of grief, from initial shock and disbelief to feelings of alienation, to acceptance of the reality of death, to re-inventing oneself as a single person, and on to a new normal. I found it helpful to know that it is normal to feel abnormal and that healing does eventually occur.
Most activities and roles in our lives have an ongoing process working through specific phases of development. Life is a series of stepping stones, some of which are unavoidably difficult or even painful, but most problems get resolved either with time or as we learn to live with them. We should not feel hopeless when going through a challenging phase, an inevitable part of any growth or development. Knowing what to expect ahead of time helps to manage that phase with greater ease. Predictability is reassuring.
Natasha Josefowitz is the author of more than 20 books. She currently resides at White Sands Retirement Community. Copyright © 2017. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.