What does it take to be a man? According to the Boys To Men mentoring program headquartered in La Mesa, it\u2019s more than knowing how to act macho, talk tough, or play a sport.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s being able to tell your truth, and give others the space to tell theirs.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe believe your truth is sacred,\u201d Craig McClain, co-founder and executive director, said. \u201cIt\u2019s not therapy, it\u2019s telling the truth. And when you tell the truth to a group of people, it just sets you free.\u201d<\/p>\n
Seeing older men take off the mask of bravado is what first got Jose Garcia\u2019s attention. Garcia grew up with most of his family and friends involved in gangs. He was surrounded by what he calls the \u201cold-school mentality\u201d of men not showing fear or sadness, of always keeping their chest high no matter what\u2019s inside.<\/p>\n \u201cBut these older guys were telling their stories and pouring their hearts out,\u201d Garcia said. \u201cIt was shocking.\u201d<\/p>\n Garcia was first introduced to Boys To Men at his sophomore year in Gateway, where he had been sent after being kicked out of his regular high school for possession. Boys To Men mentors and facilitators came in once a week and met with the boys in a special group.<\/p>\n The group got Garcia\u2019s attention, but what changed his perspective was attending an Adventure Weekend. Twenty adult men, 20 journey men (teens who have been through the weekend program before and serve as a bridge for the initiates) and 20 new boys go into the wilderness for a weekend. There\u2019s camping, hiking, and a lot more truth-telling and self-discovery.<\/p>\n \u201cGangs are big about familia or brotherhood. It drew me in because I was very lonely,\u201d Garcia said. \u201cBut in Boys To Men, I found a true brotherhood. A family that isn\u2019t fueled on hate or fear. They represent the family that loved me no matter what and always supported me \u2014 real unconditional love.\u201d<\/p>\n How that family began<\/strong><\/p>\n Twenty years ago, McClain and Joe Sigurdson were friends and neighbors. They noticed several of their sons\u2019 friends and neighborhood boys didn\u2019t have strong dads in their life. So McClain and Sigurdson decided to take them on a weekend trip. It ended up that 20 men and 12 boys went up to Camp Virginia.<\/p>\n \u201cWe would tell our truth, and they would tell theirs,\u201d McClain said. \u201cSo many were so angry and so sad.\u201d<\/p>\n But McClain and Sigurdson found that laying their souls bare in the wilderness had a positive impact on these boys\u2019 lives.<\/p>\n \u201cI can remember it like it was yesterday. I watched them walk in, then walk out a different person,\u201d McClain said. \u201cI thought, \u2018Wow, man, I guess I know what I\u2019ll be doing for the rest of my life.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n McClain started to research the problem and was disturbed by the statistics \u2014 which haven\u2019t gotten much better over time. According to the 2010 U.S. census, 33 percent of teenage boys are growing up without a father in their home. Since 1960, the number of American children without fathers has quadrupled,<\/em> from 6 million to 24 million. Boys without fathers are nine times more likely to drop out of school, 10 times more likely to abuse drugs, and 20 times more likely to go to prison.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a generational freight train out of control,\u201d McClain said.<\/p>\n The problem isn\u2019t that those boys are inherently bad. It\u2019s that they lack a role model to watch and someone to teach them. McClain noted that when mentors start to work with a group, they\u2019ll ask them \u201cwho wants to be a good man?\u201d All the hands go up. Then the question \u201cwho has a good man in their life\u201d comes \u2014 and hardly any hand is raised.<\/p>\n \u201cIf there is no man to show (a boy) how to use the tools of manhood, he doesn\u2019t know how,\u201d McClain said.<\/p>\n McCain uses the real-life example of a kid in the program who was doing some work for him at his house (which also serves as the office for Boys To Men). McClain had a stack of wood that needed the nails pulled out of them. He gave the young man a hammer and told him he\u2019d be back in 30 minutes.<\/p>\n Thirty minutes went by, and hardly any nails had been pulled. The boy was straining with the hammer, trying to lift the nails straight up, and almost breaking his back in the process. He was sweating, and angry, and not having much success. So McClain showed him how to work a hammer properly, using the leverage to pop the nail out with ease.<\/p>\n \u201c\u2019I\u2019m a fool,\u2019 the kid declared. I said, \u2018You\u2019re not a fool, nobody ever showed you how to use a hammer. But now you know,\u2019\u201d McClain recalled.<\/p>\n The next half hour, all the nails were out. And it hit McClain \u2014 this is what much of the problem in society is.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ve got a lot of pissed off boys with hammers in their hands, and they end up destroying instead of building,\u201d McClain said.<\/p>\n Getting into the schools<\/strong><\/p>\n From that first weekend, Boys To Men started unofficially meeting in a park every two weeks to BBQ and just talk. The word began to spread among single moms, and they got a lot of calls and started working with a lot more boys.<\/p>\n The Adventure Weekends started happening every few months. They became a melting pot of boys and men from all backgrounds and walks of life. A website was designed, and all of a sudden other states and even other countries started calling McClain and his staff to ask how they did what they did. One gentleman from New Zealand even flew out to participate in a weekend and shadow McClain. Now Boys To Men-style programs are occurring in 34 individual centers across the world.<\/p>\n Seven years ago, a principal asked them to come meet at her school. It started with one group of eight kids after school (McClain proudly notes that six of those eight are still involved with Boys To Men in some way). There are now about 700 boys a week that meet with mentors and facilitators in 24 schools throughout San Diego County, and three open community meetings that happen every other week.<\/p>\n These meetings involve a lot of talking, sharing and roleplaying. Those showing disrespect or acting out are asked to leave for that day (and are almost always welcome to come back the next week). The groups become a safe place to tell your story. To be angry, or to cry if you need to.<\/p>\n \u201cYour tears are welcome here,\u201d group facilitator Marco Rodriguez said of the groups. \u201cThe mentors talk about how we cry as well. We try to make it as normal as it actually is.\u201d<\/p>\n Behind those tears lies strength. The mentors and facilitators are teaching these boys through example and a sacred space respect, truth, and choice. One of the major themes is that they don\u2019t tell the young men what to do \u2013 they make sure boys know the consequences behind their actions, but the behavior choice still lies with the kid in the seat. \u201cI didn\u2019t know\u201d is no longer an excuse for the participants in Boys To Men.<\/p>\n Every three good meetings (meaning the boys don\u2019t interrupt or get out of control), there is a meeting of pizza and play. Every three months, those who have earned the right through their behavior in group can be a part of an Adventure Weekend. And occasionally, benefactors provide special outings like deep sea fishing, golf course driving range practice, or laser tag. Again, those outings go to the boys who have \u201cearned\u201d it through their behavior and choices.<\/p>\n What happened to Jose?<\/strong><\/p>\n The difference Boys To Men is making is clear. A case study by the University of San Diego from 2011 to 2013 found that participants\u2019 grades improved, school attendance increased, and behavior problems decreased in high percentages across the board. Many facilitators and mentors are those who have been through the program themselves.<\/p>\n \u201cI think the best part of this whole thing is you go in in the beginning of the school year, and the boys are all over the place,\u201d Rodriguez said. \u201cThen you see them start to open up, and by the last day of school, you see a totally different person.\u201d<\/p>\n For Garcia, his first weekend helped him make the decision to get out of the gang life \u2014 and his first life goal became to graduate high school. Leaving the gang environment was the hardest thing Garcia says he ever had to do. It took a couple years of learning a new way to talk, behave and dress. Now at 20 years old, he\u2019s graduated high school, jail isn\u2019t even in the cards, and he is a group facilitator for Boys To Men (oh, and he was able to do some soul-searching and life exploration for a stint in Hawaii).<\/p>\n \u201cI love the way I am now,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019m at peace with my family and I\u2019m at peace with myself.\u201d<\/p>\n Boys To Men has a waiting list of schools that want their program, but they need the finances to make that happen. So the organization is looking for donations, and they are looking for older male mentors. The requirement for mentors is show up (consistency is a rare quality in many of these boys\u2019 lives), shut up, and when you do speak, don\u2019t talk at the kids; talk to them as equals, and tell your truth.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re not above them, we\u2019re with them,\u201d Rodriguez said.<\/p>\n Para m\u00e1s informaci\u00f3n visite boystomen.org<\/a> or call 619-469-9599. While only males can be mentors, anyone can participate in fundraisers such as the One Wave Challenge supported by the Century Club of San Diego on Jan. 21. Register at onewavechallenge.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n![\"_webtoppage-1-adventure-mt-weeken-led-by-gene-mcmahon\"](\"https:\/\/lamesacourier.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/webtopPage-1-Adventure-Mt.-Weeken-led-by-Gene-McMahon.jpg\")
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