‘They’re out to get us!' Conspiracy theories against the elderly

¡Vienen a por nosotros! Teorías de conspiración contra las personas mayores

There are definitely conspiracy theories against old people, and I can prove it. Whoever the conspirators are, they just want to make life harder for us seniors. Those of you who are young may not have noticed the terrible hardships created for us older folks. “They” (the conspirators) have made all the stairs significantly steeper. I used to easily climb stairs; now I have to pull myself up using the handrails on the ramps.

“They” did the same thing to street curbs. I used to step down from the sidewalk without thinking; now I have to look down before carefully stepping off. “They” made the sidewalks longer so that it would take more time for us to get everywhere, and “they” have made them uneven so that we risk tripping.

“They” have even come into my home, maybe while I am at lunch, and raised all of the top shelves in my closets so that I can no longer reach my clothes hangers even when I’m standing on my toes; this eliminates many wardrobe options. “They” did the same to my bookcases. I can’t reach the books on the top shelf and have no room on the lower shelves to put whatever is there, so the books up high will forever remain unread. “They” also lowered the toilet seats to make it harder for the elderly to get up. “They” also have gotten into my kitchen and tightened all the jars so that I cannot open them. “They” then got into my refrigerator, but there I outwitted them! I had arranged all my chocolates, candies, and cookies on the top shelf so that, unwittingly, “they” did me a favor by preventing me from eating too much sugar… ha-ha.

Here’s another conspiracy: everyone who talks to us has decided to mumble or talk in very low voices; so not only do we not hear, but we can’t make out what “they” are saying. When we eat in our community dining room everyone speaks in whispers, so there’s no way to join the conversation. It is clear that “they” want to keep us in the dark on purpose. “They” have also intentionally dimmed the lights in the dining room as well as in restaurants so we can’t read the menu.

I don’t know how “they” know when “they” are talking to an older person on the phone, but as soon as I pick up the receiver, “they” start talking very fast so that there is no way for me to know what “they” are referring to. I don’t even bother to have them repeat their names; “they” keep saying it louder and louder (as if it’s a matter of volume). Even if I ask “them” to spell “their” name, it is impossible to figure out the letters when “they” say “it’s an M like Mary;” the problem is I don’t decipher the word “Mary.”

As soon as I turn the TV on, I can see the anchors’ mouths moving, but very little sound is audible, making the news hard to understand. That’s not all. “They” made newspaper print smaller and the ink color, which used to be dark, is now a light grey so that it practically disappears.

The world has become very difficult to navigate. What to do? Where to go? Our options are nonexistent. From what I hear, going to Mars is not a possibility. The elderly are obliterated from the mainstream of life. As our world narrows, we become less and less relevant. I’m sure you, my readers, appreciate what I mean and will commiserate with me.

On the other hand, the conspirators are missing out. We, old folks, have wisdom. We have been through a lot and have survived. We know history, which we are willing to share; the pity is that no one asks or seems to care. Even if our bodies are deteriorating, most of our minds are still sharp. Having seen and experienced so much, we are not as distressed by the current world disasters. We have learned from our mistakes and don’t assume we are always right. We don’t have a strong egos; we do have thick skins. We are not concerned anymore with material possessions. We are compassionate and non-judgmental. We offer sage advice. You younger people can learn from us if only you would take the time to listen. Do ask us; we will be happy to help.