Every morning at breakfast I meet with a group of friends, and we talk about the news, ourselves, or visiting family members. I also meet friends for lunches and dinners, some who live in my retirement community, others who live in town, and some who visit from other parts of the country. This gives me an opportunity to hear stories and reactions to a host of different occurrences in their lives. We all live in part in the real world, but also to a great extent in one of our own making. I live in a friendly world where most people I know are kind and want to be helpful. Although we live in the same community, some people experience a hostile environment where bad things happen to them and people are mostly uncaring or, at best, indifferent. My steak at lunch was delicious, but the same steak eaten by my companion was tough–not only that, it is never cooked right, the quality of the meat is always poor, and the service is always too slow. While I enjoyed a lovely meal with good service, she had a bad experience…nothing was right. When expectations are thwarted, the world is perceived as not meeting one’s needs which leads to feelings of disappointment and frustration. This is due to feelings of entitlement; in other words, one is owed better food and better service.
I have seen people who suffered strokes with resulting diminished capacities who spoke with some pride of how well they were managing in spite of being handicapped, appreciating the kind help and support they received. Others with similar disabilities had given up and could only complain about their circumstances, blaming their misfortune on a series of unfortunate events. Given that different perceptions and reactions to the same event are so prevalent, I wondered whether it has to do with one’s basic expectations.
While many people recount earlier accomplishments as something to be proud of, others focus on past errors. All of these recollections color not only how people view the events of their lives, but how they view the world they live in as either supportive or contributing to their bad luck, i.e., blaming outside circumstances. An important caveat: The reality for a large part of the world’s population today is that they do indeed live in dangerous circumstances or where basic needs are not being met, such as food, water, and shelter; none of what I am saying is applicable to people who live under these dire conditions. But for those of us who have been more fortunate, taking a look at both our realistic and unrealistic expectations and what we feel entitled to will impact the perception of the world we live in as either supportive or not. Our various personality traits can directly affect how comfortably or uncomfortably we function in our environment. The way we dealt with our past experiences will affect how we react to similar events. Some need predictability and might not be able to handle uncertainty, because it makes them anxious. Others who prefer variety become restless with a lack of challenge and seek stimulation. Change is resisted by some and welcomed by others. Becoming aware of our negative or positive propensities toward how we view our past expectations will help to mitigate unhelpful responses. Self-reflection is an important attribute which helps us to know ourselves better. Some people are angry when their expectations of what they feel they are entitled to are not met; they can only see unfairness at how they are being mistreated. They see the world from a victim’s perspective. I wonder whether as a child your needs were not met and you are still trying to compensate for it; this can become a bottomless pit. On the other hand, if as a child you were overindulged with every whim granted, you may be unprepared for anything less than an immediate, favorable response. Feelings of entitlement, whether thwarted or fulfilled, directly impact perceptions of one’s environment. If you feel you are not getting your due, you cannot be grateful for what you have. Gratefulness is an important component of a positive outlook. So how do you perceive your environment? Is it mostly warm, friendly and responsive, or do you encounter innumerable glitches which prevent you from being at peace and content? In order to experience a more positive world, maintaining realistic expectations will influence the way others respond to you. In other words, your expectations not only influence the way you perceive the world, but will also influence the way the world responds to you. What you project is reflected back to you. Natasha Josefowitz is the author of more than 20 books. She currently resides at White Sands Retirement Community in La Jolla. Copyright © 2019. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.