We all have to have our basic needs met (food, water, shelter, sleep) in order to be able to focus on our higher needs. We make life choices (such as marriage and careers) without being aware that we are trying to meet those higher aspirations.
Some people need to be visible, upfront, while others are more comfortable in the background, working behind the scenes. Certain individuals strive to be significant and make a contribution to their community; others prefer being private, unnoticed, fading into the woodwork. My father used to say “Pour vivre hereux, il faut vivre caché” (translated: to live happy we must live hidden). A Japanese proverb echoes the same sentiment: “The nail that sticks out shall be hammered down.” A generation ago humility was a virtue. A humble person was admired. These words are no longer in our vocabulary.
As a feminist in the 70s and 80s, I advocated for women to become more visible, encouraging them to have a voice. My 1980 book, Paths to Power: A Woman’s Guide from First Job to Top Executive, did just that. As a management consultant, I encouraged women to wear red and stride with confidence as opposed to trying to blend into the male-dominated work culture.
What I have come to realize is that for some my advice was helpful in thinking outside the box; it provided women with the courage to strive for equality, recognition, and eventual success. However, for others getting out of their comfort zone was too unpleasant and even painful. One can opt for variety, change, growth, adventure, risk-taking or wish for certainty, predictability, and security. Some of this is in-born; some acquired through experience. These are needs that must be acknowledged and met. One choice is not necessarily better than the other. For some people being connected to and working in groups or in a community is important; others are happy to be loners and do their best work when on their own.
People also possess different strengths. Some possess good self-control, while others are more spontaneous. Some see an event as optimistic; others only see the same event’s downside. Although optimists are often known to be healthier and live longer, pessimists are often more rooted to reality. Some people are better at self-reflection, which is what I am promoting here. Becoming aware of one’s needs and strengths should help in making decisions about the choices (when within our control) in one’s life.
Besides getting to understand our needs and strengths, we are also influenced by our life’s purpose and meaning. How strongly do we feel attachment to our family, our work, our values, and our community? We all have limited time to devote to any of these options. How do we choose? When children are small, there is often no choice but to take care of their needs—such as schools or doctors’ visits, but we do have a choice whether we spend time reading to them or reading for our own pleasure. Our work also requires us to decide how much time will be spent on projects—for some it is “good enough as is,” for others, “perfection” is the only option. Commitment to our values, faiths, and philosophies also take time, such as attending religious or political meetings. How much time we devote to these areas is often a matter of the strengths of our convictions.
Finally, there is the time given to our community, be it volunteer work, leisure and social activities, or being a good neighbor. Whatever we chose to dedicate our time to is at the detriment of another choice. I remember when I was getting my master’s in social work while my children were teenagers — it was a matter of finishing my report of helping them with theirs, bringing work on vacations as opposed to going on a hike with the family…all are conflicting choices that need to be made daily, sometimes hourly. How we decide is determined by our levels of commitment as well as our needs and strengths—it is all interconnected and is an expression of who we are.
So pay attention to your choices and make sure that they conform to your image of self, not only as you are, but as you wish to be. It is only when you become conscious of the choices you make, not by default or pressure from others, but because you responded to your inner core: “This is what I need. These are my strengths. This is what is important to me. This is who I am!” Natasha Josefowitz taught the first course in the United States on women in management and is the author of more than 20 books. She lives at the White Sands in La Jolla. Copyright © 2016. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.