IF IT SEEMS LIKE YOU JUST read my column in the last issue of the Beach & Bay Press, you’re right. Editor John Gregory allowed as how it might not be the end of the world if I showed up in both monthly issues. OH, GREAT — IT’S APRIL FOOL’S DAY. Well, anything I share will be the truth, as I recall it between fits of laughter. ANDE MCCARREN is spitting nails. The “check engine” light came on for the fourth time in her snazzy Audi sports car and she was forced to take it to the dealer. “It’s always something new and something I never heard of,” she spouted. “I think it’s a giant scam.” “What was it this time?” I asked. “I have no idea,” she said. “I think they said it was the Johnson Rod!!” Ahhhh, yes — the Johnson Rod. “It s very important to keep the Johnson Rod lubricated,” I assured her. THERE’S AN AP FOR THAT? I have a cell phone and it’s pretty old but still does what I need it to, like make telephone calls. You may recall that I decided to get rid of my first phone when my grand-niece, Dulci, said, “Who sold you that — Fred Flintstone?” At any rate, my phone sings a little tune often when I’m going over the bridges. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s telling me I’m out of range. My girlfriend, Nancy, got a new Smart Phone and it, too, started making noises as we were out and about. I wondered aloud why that was and, on several occasions, she said simply, “Earthquakes.” Turns out she has an application that tells her when an earthquake occurs anywhere in the world. It also tells you the severity of the quake — AND shows you a map of the location. I assume she can also use it to make calls. I’M ABOUT READY TO QUIT listening to KPBS. Would it KILL them to broadcast a happy story? For 30 years I’ve had my clock radio set to waken me to public broadcasting. Last week, I listened to more bad news from Haiti as I pulled on my BVDs. Putting on my socks I learned that gas prices were about ready to go up again. I got one leg of my pants on as I learned about the hundreds of thousands of children worldwide who die a miserable death from contaminated drinking water. At that point I thought about going back to bed. “GREAT COURSES” was the title of a magazine that arrived unsolicited in my post office box. “Hot diggety,” I thought, “I LOVE golf.” Turned out to be courses of learning on CDs. And you can do it in your car. “Legendary Newsman Bob Schieffer Looks Forward to Traffic Tie-Ups.” Faint praise from my perspective. I was pondering the idea of me trying to learn “The Joy of Mathematics” in traffic. I couldn’t learn it in a classroom at Horace Mann Junior High. John Fry may be reached at 272-6655 or [email protected]