‘I have done that,’ says my memory. ‘I cannot have done that,’ says my pride, and remains inexorable. Eventually – memory yields. – Friedrich Nietzsche Dear SharonAnn, What do I do about my boyfriend (70 if a day, like me!) who always has to be right? Even when staring at proof, he refuses to say that someone else was right. We argue about stupid stuff, like which way the toilet paper needs to roll, who gets to walk the dog next, who ate the last cookie, which way we should drive to get to our destination quickly, what we paid at the last gas station. When we go out with friends, he takes stories of his life and exaggerates them out of reality, and when I point out the facts, he gets mad. Gosh, it is getting to be miserable around here. Can I possibly make him see reality? Could he ever understand that he is not always right and that truthful stories are better than puffed-up ones? Signed: Perplexed Dear Perplexed: Some questions for you! Do you want to know why he acts this way? Or do you want to know what to do about changing his behavior? Or do you want to know about changing your own reactions to his having to be right? My thoughts depend upon your real question. The first question is, why? We all create self-justifications to protect our self-images. Eventually, our self-justifications become ‘true’ in our own minds. This is an ego action designed to defend and keep us comfortable. This happens because of cognitive dissonance – when our behavior threatens our self-concept. Most of us are unaware of these self-justifications. To become aware, we need more education, reading and perhaps therapy on the subject. This is not likely to happen when someone, man or woman, is so entrenched in being right and has done so for seven decades. My own theory, based on personal experience, is that my guy grew up in a home where he had to be perfect all of the time to merit his parents’ love. If he made a mistake or admitted making a mistake, his parents verbally stated, “I don’t love you anymore.” In addition, they said things like, “If you don’t clean your plate at dinner, I will not love you anymore.” To him, love is conditional, and admitting a mistake means that he is unworthy of love. How sad and how wrongheaded! The second questions is, how do you change your boyfriend’s behavior? Short answer – you cannot. You can only control your own reactions and change your own behavior, no one else’s. The third question has to do with self-examination, a difficult but worthwhile endeavor. Addressing the questions of remembering past events correctly, it seems as if none of us really does. In “Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me),” a nonfiction book from 2007 by social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, studies show that memories are not as we formerly thought – filed in our brains intact, ready to pull out at a moment’s notice – but filed in separate parts of our brains, ready to reassemble when needed. The reassembly pulls pieces that best preserve and protect our self-concept. As time passes, we adjust our memories according to our present lives. Ha! All of us! Is it worth investigating this interesting teaching? Absolutely. Once we understand the reasons for our own actions, it is easier to change them when needed. In working through the issues with your boyfriend, you might suggest some couples counseling to figure out some compromises that will bring peace back into your home. He would be more likely to participate if you are not suggesting this counseling to “fix” him but to find agreements. By working together, you will already be a huge step ahead of where you are right now. Is it worth it? Absolutely! The Retirement Concierge offers coaching strategies for clients in transition of all types. We do not offer legal, financial or tax advice. We also wrote “A 10-Step Action Plan for Defining Your Mission,” helping Boomers on the verge of retirement to plan, make and manage life transitions by guiding them through a systematic process of discovery and re-creation where they write their own rules, make their own plans and reinvent their own lives. TheRetirementConcierge.com, (619) 818-8575.