We all have our opinions, our positions, our views and our understanding, whether they are about political, economic, religious, or ethical issues or how to rear children. They spring from the way we were raised, what our parents believed, or the exact opposite of parental admonitions. It is what we learned in school, what we read, what we heard and what our friends said or didn’t say. We also all have our prejudices, conscious and unconscious, our knee-jerk reactions. Some things we are willing to fight for and others we couldn’t care less about. Our belief systems, the way we view the world, is both rational and emotional. It can be predictable or surprising, sometimes even to ourselves. This is all especially important to understand today in our fractious, polarized world. We are either strongly for or strongly against, and our voices become louder as we press our points of view.
What is different today from past exchanges or opinions is the combative tone some of us take, the feeling of outrage at the opposite opinion and the need to talk the other into believing that our position is the only right one. We have become missionaries not just for our religions, but for our political stances. I have caught myself trying to persuade a friend about the obvious wrongness of her ideas, and much to my dismay, instead of an intelligent discussion, it turned into a disagreeable exchange of not exactly name-calling but dismissing the other as incomprehensibly and irremediably off.
So what to do? Is there a way to get through to another person who seems unable or unwilling to even consider our opposing point of view? If it is truly important to be heard, to be considered, then I would like to suggest the following:
First, ask yourself why it is important for you to have the person understand you and possibly agree with you. What is at stake? There might be an emotional component of which you are only vaguely aware, but that needs to be addressed. The stronger you react to an issue, the more you need to question your motive. Are there elements in the other person’s arguments that might have some validity? Can you put yourself in the other person’s shoes to try to understand their position? I like the Indian saying about walking a mile in the other person’s moccasins to really understand their perspective.
Then observe the other person for signs that he or she may be unreachable: the person avoids eye contact or has a vacant stare, the person seems involved with their cell phone or other activity, fidgeting, looking at their watch, yawning, not responding, or responding with “yes, but…” These are all signals that you might as well stop putting effort into a hopeless situation.
So know when to let go; not everyone is educable. Find solace in those who understand you and agree with your basic assumptions. Keep fighting for a better world, but refuel with compatible people. However, sometimes it is truly important for someone to understand your position in order for an action to be taken. Here are several ways of getting through to a seemingly unreachable person:
1. The direct approach, which requires you to confront the issue, for example, “I do not feel you hear me, and I don’t know what else to do.” Express a feeling, try saying, “It upsets me when you don’t pay attention to me.”
2. The preventive approach, which takes this format: “I know you have had trouble listening to me in the past, but would you try to hear a different point of view?”
3. The therapeutic approach, which requires you to say something like this: “You seem to have difficulty focusing on the discussion and often retreat behind a wall. This makes you unreachable. What can we do about that?”
4. The punitive approach, which means posing an ultimatum: “If you can’t discuss the issue without interruptions (or without changing topics or whatever the person is doing), I will have to decide or to act without your input.”
5. The indirect approach, which can take these routes: sending an email. Some people communicate better through the written word than through face-to-face exchange or using a third party to negotiate.
Sometimes it is hard not to feel like you are an irresistible force contending with an immovable object.
Natasha Josefowitz is the author of more than 20 books. She currently resides at White Sands Retirement Community in La Jolla. Copyright © 2017. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.