Dear ASK: A longtime friend seems plagued with ailments. She calls and tells me all about the latest personal health problem, the appointments, the investigation, the results, the medicine and how she is feeling every step of the way. She says things like, “I can’t go to the movies tonight because my fibro… is acting up.” “I can’t go to the beach because my eczema broke out last week again.” “I can’t go to the curry restaurant because my ulcer can’t take the spice.” She has many reasons and many problems. I feel sad and depressed every time we talk. I do want to be a good and supportive friend, but how? Signed: Feeling Helpless! Dear Feeling Helpless, You might be feeling helpless, but you are not. Asking for advice is a great tool to gather information while you are deciding what to do. There are ways you can address this issue. It is astonishing how many people are diagnosed with an illness and start claiming it for their own. Think about how often you hear someone say, “My diabetes… .” Another says, “My back problems… .” Yes, words can meld people to their problems so they become inseparable. Words can be used to control people, to belittle and to manipulate. Words can also be used to encourage, to build, to entertain and to inspire. Some of our best thinkers talk about the power of words. Mark Twain: “A powerful agent is the right word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words… the resulting effect is physical as well as spiritual and electrically prompt.” Lord Byron: “But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew, upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think.” Chinese proverb: “If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words.” Selecting our words carefully can make a life worth living or slow death. What might happen in our lives when we slow down the speed of the words coming out of our mouth while our brain catches up? Is this true? Is this kind? Is this helpful? We could all benefit by taking a deep breath while our lightning-fast brain processes. For people around you who focus on “my illness” or those who have mostly negative thoughts and predictions, there are several possible actions. Do you want to keep the friendship but not the negativity? Your actions could be as simple as a calm discussion of what you hear being said, how you feel about it and what you want from the friend in the future. You might have to repeat this conversation. How can you help others understand the deeper meanings of repeating sayings? Have you heard someone say, “John made me so mad that I could blow my brains out!”? The best reply would be a shocked exclamation: “You would really blow your brains out because of John?” You often hear, “I cannot eat that because of my ulcer.” You can exclaim, “Your ulcer? Are you claiming and keeping it.” We can help our friends by dramatically mirroring their own words. If you have tried these techniques and your friend still persists in focusing on her many problems, you could agree to listen to her about her miseries for a limited time, say five minutes, then move on to other topics. If she really cannot move beyond her own issues, then she may be using you as a sounding board or a dump station; neither is edifying in the least. You could strongly urge her to go to a professional counselor to vent there and to keep it out of your interactions. If these strategies do not work, then you might consider spending less and less time with this friend, or maybe even no time at all. If you can be honest about your reasons, then she may modify her language and focus when she’s around you in order to keep your friendship. Or she may not. It is much easier to be objective about others and their impact on you. What if we looked in the mirror at ourselves? Do we think and therefore keep our health problems? “My high blood pressure, my cancer, my migraines….” Do we think and therefore keep our relationship problems? “My alcoholic boyfriend, my reckless-driving daughter, my belligerent spouse… ” What about money problems? “I can’t afford…, My kids only come around when they need money… .” These are limitations we set for ourselves and embed them into mental cement because we think and say them often. We are vulnerable to our own self-talk as well as to words from others in our environment. Once we realize this truth, we can then be free to set strong boundaries around our lives that keep out destructiveness and allow only words that encourage, teach, inspire, motivate and bless. Let us each reclaim our own Word-Power! The Retirement Concierge offers estate management and settlement coordination assistance as a team member of attorneys, trustees and fiduciaries. We do not offer legal, financial or tax advice. We also wrote “A 10-Step Action plan for Defining Your Mission,” helping boomers on the verge of retirement to plan, make and manage life transitions by guiding them through a systematic process of discovery and re-creation where they write their own rules, make their own plans and reinvent their own lives. TheRetirementConcierge.com, (619) 818-8575.
