By Patricia Morris Buckley
SDUN Theatre Critic

As a long-time fan of romantic comedies, either in movies or the theater, I know the basic rules about the genre. Yet the Old Globe Theatre’s production of Kenny Finkle’s “Alive and Well” clings to these rules so tightly, there isn’t any romance or comedy left in it. All we’re left with is two hours of clichés.

This is a two-person play that begins when Carla, an uptight city reporter, meets Zach, a sentimental Civil War re-enactor. Carla has been hired by a mysterious editor to write a story about the “Lonesome Soldier,” who has appeared to tourists as they travel the path Robert E. Lee took as he retreated from Petersburg until he ended up at Appomattox, where the Old South surrendered.

Zach has been hired to be her guide and he takes the job seriously, insisting that they wear period costumes (the itchy kind), travel without cell phones (throwing hers in the bushes) and sleep in the woods (and the stink that comes with that choice). Carla loathes the idea, but loves the big advance she’s received and so she goes along with Zach.

So of course they bicker. A lot. Then she gets drunk and lets down her inhibitions around him, almost leading to a kiss. Then they bicker some more, secrets and more are revealed, they continue their journey and finally their romance begins. It’s all totally textbook, so much so that the audience can predict every single plot device well in advance. While that might be said of many rom-coms, it’s the other elements and the lightness of the nudge toward coupledom that makes one such a great, satisfying pleasure. That’s exactly what this one lacks.

Instead we get a long series of monologues. Characters that aren’t very interesting. A plot that’s 60 minutes long in a two-hour show. However, there is one wonderful speech in the last 10 minutes of the show where Zach talks about how for many countries that experience a civil war the two factions are rarely able to rejoin as one – and then how that was possible for the USA in the way Lee surrendered and Grant negotiated the peace. And, of course, we know he’s not just talking about the country, but also Carla and Zach.

If only the rest of the play had that same witty wordplay, subtle themes and honest emotion (never once did I believe Zach’s whining about his girlfriend breaking up with him). The actors, Kelly McAndrew and James Knight, gamely try to make the play work, but it’s really beyond them to bring these cardboard characters to life or to give them real chemistry – absolutely essential for any romantic comedy.

Shelly Williams’ costumes not only look authentic, but also show the dirt of the trail as they progress. Set designer Robin Sanford Roberts’ map-like floor is fun, but elements such as the pull-out bed from a hill are so clever that they distract from the story. Lighting designer Michael Gottlieb gives us a breathtaking moment only possible in the theater-in-the-round by projecting the view from the hill on each of the four walls.

Director Jeremy Dobrish does well with making us feel we’ve traveled far, even though we’ve only taken a few spins around the stage. But the journey that we really crave has to begin with the play itself and it is dead on arrival.

“Alive and Well”
Through April 25
Old Globe Theatre
Tickets: $29-$62
23-GLOBE
TheOldGlobe.org